Dealing With Disappointment As A Christian (Dedicated to my mom)
A practical guide to living free from disappointment, hurt and bitterness.
If you are going to start this article, read it to the end, or else it might be like going to the dentist and getting up with a hole in your tooth before it is fixed.
When God doesn’t answer a prayer in the time-frame or in the way we expect, it can lead to disappointment. When disappointment sets in, doubt, bitterness and hurt can start to develop. Once these poisons get in your heart and mind, the damage can be catastrophic.
Whatever is going on in our heart is going to affect our lives, guaranteed:
Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. Prov 4:23 (NLT)
A heart full of disappointment, hurt and bitterness for what should have been (in our opinion) will lead to a life that looks exactly the same. Have you ever noticed, if you leave the house in a bad mood, on that day, people in traffic are 500% more idiotic than usual? Whatever is going in our heart is going to affect the way we see and live out our lives.
Just because we are Christians, it doesn’t mean that everything happens just the way we think it should. There is no promise in the bible that says, “Now that you are a Christian, you will never have another problem”, however the bible does say:
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Rom 8:28 (NIV)
This verse often causes Christians to think that if God brings good out of something, then He caused it so that He could be glorified. For God to inflict someone with cancer in order to be praised would be the equivalent of me putting my daughter in a pit of lions so that I could rescue her and she could recognize me as a hero.
The bible draws a pretty clear line in the sand when it comes to who does what.
10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10 (NIV)
God is a specialist at using anything and everything, when placed in His hands, and turning it into something amazing. And this is the first step to living free from disappointment, hurt and bitterness.
“Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world. “ -Helen Keller (she had reason for self-pity being born deaf and blind)
16 This is what the LORD says: “Restrain your voice from weeping
and your eyes from tears,
for your work will be rewarded,” Isa 31:16
God, by His mercy and power, frees the Israelites from Egypt. Not only, does He free them, but
“And I will make the Egyptians favorably disposed toward this people, so that when you leave you will not go empty-handed. Ex 3:21 (NIV)
Everything is great, because its working out just the way they think it should, but just like us, at the first sign of trouble, they begin to doubt God’s motives, heart and plan for their lives.
10 As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up, and there were the Egyptians, marching after them. They were terrified and cried out to the LORD. 11 They said to Moses, “Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? 12 Didn’t we say to you in Egypt, ‘Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians’? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!” Ex 14:10-12(NIV)
It made no difference, after all God had done, the minute it wasn’t how they thought it should be, what was really in their hearts came out, and sent them into a panic.
Now apply that to our lives, when we pray or expect something of God and it doesn’t go the way we want? The way we respond and react in hard, disappointing and hurtful times will reveal what we really believe about God.
But, if you are the person, who has bailed on God, given up, even shaken your fist in the air (or maybe in your mind) because we thought we had done everything right: you read your bible, you prayed, you fasted and you still didn’t receive the answer to your prayer in the way you expected, I have good news for you. God still wants to split your red sea.
God had a plan the entire time for the Israelites and the plan wasn’t to leave them in that place… it was to take them to the promised land. Often we delay the very thing God is trying to do because we become immovable. Bitterness and disappointment chain us to our past and rob us of our future. Our disappointment stops us from seeing the opportunities and paths God has for us today, because we are so focused on what happened yesterday. Fortunately, God used Moses to move the people through because he was listening to God.
God has not left us hopeless and in despair, the very thing we need to move forward is in our lives right now. If you would only take your eyes and heart off what you think you should have and trust that God actually knows what He is doing, we will see the steps forward from the painful place we are in right now.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Psa 34:18 (NLT)
8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy. 1 Pet 1:8 (NIV)
2) God Is Not On Our Clock
We often confuse something that hasn’t happened yet,with something that is not going to happen.
The story of Lazarus is a fantastic example of this:
“Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died. John 11:21 (NIV)
Martha blamed Jesus for her brother’s death, even though she did not blame Jesus for his sickness, she blamed Him for not doing anything about it.
How often do we feel like that? If God had answered my prayer, I wouldn’t be in the place I am right now. The minute “If only” starts swimming in our brains it is the first signs that disappointment and doubt are starting to set in. There should never be “if only” in our minds as believers, because of Rom 8:23. It doesn’t matter what happened, if we were robbed, cheated or we single handedly destroyed our own lives. If we would give it to God, allow Him to lead us through His word, He will work it out.
Martha was deeply disappointed that Jesus didn’t arrived on time to save her bother. Martha did not realize: God is not bound by time. When we think there is no hope, there is still hope, when we think God is too late, He is never late.
43 When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” 44 The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face. Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.” John 11:43-44 (NIV)
God gave Abraham a promise that took two decades, David was anointed as king and spent the next several years hiding in a cave, Joseph received a dream that he would be important and spent the next portion of his life as a slave. Each one of them received their promise, but the timeframe was not the important factor, rather it was God preparing them to receive the promise .
3) Get Up, and Help Others
1 David and his men reached Ziklag on the third day. Now the Amalekites had raided the Negev and Ziklag. They had attacked Ziklag and burned it, 2 and had taken captive the women and everyone else in it, both young and old. They killed none of them, but carried them off as they went on their way. 3 When David and his men reached Ziklag, they found it destroyed by fire and their wives and sons and daughters taken captive. 4 So David and his men wept aloud until they had no strength left to weep.
1 Sam 30:1-4 (NIV)
I think that qualifies for a tragedy? But God is not bound by anything. The conditions for a miracle are impossible circumstances and God is a miracle working God.
David did not stay in the place of weeping, nor did he blame God for destroying his village, he did something remarkable that allowed him to move out of the place of disappointment and pain.
6 David was greatly distressed because the men were talking of stoning him; each one was bitter in spirit because of his sons and daughters. But David found strength in the LORD his God. 1 Sam 30:6 (NIV)
David had to choose to strengthen himself in the Lord, God has provided everything we need to walk in victory and joy no matter the circumstance, but we have to choose to do so.
A story my mom loved to tell us was about the clown who was sad. He was so sad, but he was supposed to be at a birthday party, so even though he could not bring himself to smile, he painted a smile on his face. He spent the day making others laugh and bringing joy to all those at the party, by the end of the day, when he washed his makeup off, he was smiling!!
We cannot choose our circumstances, but we can choose our attitude. Praising God in the storm (not for the storm) is the quickest way to regain our strength. Psalm 16:11, Psalm 28:7
Because David chose to seek God and not blame God, God gave him the instructions to move forward from the place He was.
9 David and the six hundred men with him came to the Besor Valley, where some stayed behind. 10 Two hundred of them were too exhausted to cross the valley, but David and the other four hundred continued the pursuit. 11 They found an Egyptian in a field and brought him to David. They gave him water to drink and food to eat— 12 part of a cake of pressed figs and two cakes of raisins. He ate and was revived, for he had not eaten any food or drunk any water for three days and three nights.
1 Sam 30:9-12 (NIV)
David’s biggest breakthrough came by noticing those who needed help around him. Sometimes we can get so consumed by our disappointment and pain that we forget there is an entire planet of hurting people, often with far worse situations than our own.
Self-pity will stop us from seeing the blessing we can be to someone else, because we are consumed with our own problem. This was not the case with David. His entire family had been kidnapped, his entire life stolen, and he stopped his own pursuit to help another.
18 David recovered everything the Amalekites had taken, including his two wives. 19 Nothing was missing: young or old, boy or girl, plunder or anything else they had taken. David brought everything back. 20 He took all the flocks and herds, and his men drove them ahead of the other livestock, saying, “This is David’s plunder.”
1 Sam 30:18-20 (NIV)
4) Idol Prayers (Yes – Idol)
God will never do something that contradicts what He has already established in His Word. For example; a prayer to be married to someone else’s wife will never be answered (and it doesn’t matter how much fasting and prayer). God will never answer a prayer that contradicts His Word. Often in our lives our prayer requests can become our idols, taking the place of where God should be.
When what we are requesting from God consumes our thoughts, our hearts and our conversations, it has now become an idol. God will never answer a prayer to create an idol in your life because it goes against His Word. If I am praying for a new home and all I think about and talk about is this home, I am contradicting the very command of Jesus:
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Matt 6:33 (NIV)
Often our disappointment with God or pain over a situation is born out of, or sustained by our own ignorance about how the kingdom of God has been set up and how we are to operate in it. If our disappointment about an unanswered prayer or unfavorable situation causes our lives to be put on hold, or to fall apart we need to seriously develop our understanding about:
If one perceived, unanswered prayer request or unfavorable situation – no matter how severe – can rob us of life, keep us in bondage or steal our hope for the future, then it is essential to spend large amounts of time in the Word (whether we know all the scriptures or not), asking the Holy Spirit to give us a complete overhaul in our hearts about who God is, who we are in God and how nothing can steal the plans that He has for us.
No matter how painful it seems at the time, Our best days are in front of us, if we will allow God to work in our lives today.
Even though every Christian knows about forgiveness, very few live in it. We have no excuse to hold unforgiveness in our lives, whether it is towards others, God or ourselves. Unforgiveness finds its power in the belief that our lives are now negatively affected because of something that happened.
As a Christian we know that nothing can alter God’s plan for our lives, and according to Rom 8:23, it does not matter what has happened, God will turn it for our good when we are following Him. Whether someone robbed, stole or killed, we can forgive because we have received the ultimate forgiveness and God will bring beauty from ashes.
5) Complaining Is A Killer
They murmured in their tents, and did not obey the voice of the Lord. Psa 106:25
There reason we praise and worship God is so that we can renew our mind to His majesty, awesomeness and unlimited ability. We remind ourselves that He is God. When we worship God for who He is our problems, disappointments and pain become smaller and God is once again placed on the throne in our lives.
When we constantly talk about our pain, our pain continues to grow because we continue to renew our mind to our problem, pain and disappointment. We cannot hear the voice of God in our lives when we are filling our ears with our complaining. When we make a choice to stop talking about what we don’t have and choose to declare everything God is, we will see our disappointment, pain and regret begin to dissipate in our lives.
6) God Wants To Do A New Thing
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. Isa 43:19 (NIV)
There are some situations in our lives where if God answered exactly how we wanted it would cause us more harm than good. There are other situations in our lives where loss has occurred and resurrection is not the solution. When we try placing God in a box, defining when, who and how we stop God from being God.
God may want to work in our lives a different way to bring a result far more beautiful. Eg: A couple is trusting God to have a child in their lives, and because they are so consumed by traditional methods they don’t realize that the desire for a child is from God, and it is to adopt because there is a child trusting God for someone to love them.
When the company I was working for originally in Aspen went bankrupt, it was a scary time. I could not get another job, even though my resume was more than sufficient for the places I was applying. When I finally stopped trying, and started listening, God led me to start the computer company that would ultimately lead me into my next chapter. If I had continued to pound the pavement without stopping to hear what was going on, it would have left me disappointed and frustrated as to why God wasn’t answering my prayers, when He was indeed – just different to what I was expecting.
Recently my friend told me a story about his brother: Jonah and his wife had been trying to become pregnant for some time without success. Jonah felt God was calling them to be a missionary in China. They are now expecting their second child. They did not receive their answer to prayer because they became missionaries, they received their answer to prayer because they positioned themselves where God was calling them. When we take the time to follow God’s plan, “all these things” will come. Matt 6:33
Allow God To Lead You Outside The Box.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.. Eph 3:20(NIV)
If we will release our unforgiveness, bitterness and pain and begin to trust Him to do a new thing in our lives, He will:
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, Psa 30:11 (NIV)
It’s time to be glad today, for this is the day the Lord has made and to rejoice because He is working all things together for good.
One evening during a bible study on this exact topic, a young girl said to me “But what do you know about loss? You are so happy, you’ve never been through anything…”.
I had to just smile. God had done such an amazing work in our lives, that to the on-looker, we seemed to have too much joy to have ever suffered loss. In our family, we have experienced everything from miscarriages to abuse, from robbery to tragic loss but I can’t feel any of it, because I am so distracted by all the amazing things God has done in our lives despite what happened in our past. I wouldn’t change a thing because I couldn’t imagine my life to be any better.
He wants to do the same for you.
Brent Phillips
Shortlink for this post: http://bit.ly/AgjuPG
April 13th, 2012 
Brent Phillips 
Until God tells me to stop trusting Him for amazing things, I’ll keep following the example that Jesus set, and expecting what He said.
